At Last

I finally got my official job offer letter today, meaning that I am very excited and soon-to-be-no-longer-homeless-and-penniless-and-hopeless. Yay!

This also means that in the next few days I get to make lots of lists and do lots of planning. It’s like a dream come true.

More to follow.

I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Into My Hair

Oh, Nick Arrojo. If I didn’t already love What Not to Wear enough, I would love it simply because of you. Your perfectly, effortlessly coiffed man-’do, your twinkly grin, your expert styling - enough to make any girl want to fly to New York and pay $500 to have you fix their nightmare hair.

But then, sweet Nick, it’s as if you reached to the inner recesses of my being. You knew exactly what I needed, exactly where to find me.

You launched your own product line, which apparently you can buy here, but I never would have known if you didn’t also sell it on QVC.

I’ll love you forever.

There’s a Shadow Hanging Over Me

It’s been far too long since my last post, but I have excuses, I swear:

1) Anything interesting that has happened to me has been pretty much covered by Aaron.
2) Very little interesting has happened.
3) I go back and forth between wanting to gush about you-know-who and trying not to complain about the rest of my bs-life.
4) No one wants to hear either.

The main problem, kids, is this: I’m super independent. The situation that I’m living in right now is not one in which I can be independent about anything. I am totally and completely at the mercy of everyone around me. And it sucks. And I’m whining. Dammit.

I’m really hopeful that this job will come through soon and put an end to my misery. I’m sick of thinking about it. It wouldn’t be so bad being unemployed if I had some freedom.

But I just have to say, special thanks to Aaron for not only being super patient with me, but also for being so helpful, in so many ways. You’re the best.

Hopefully I will have more uplifting items soon. For real.

Until then, happy YouTube clips:

Get Out of My Dreams

Wow. So, I was just car shopping online, and remembered that I had meant to look up the official difference between a moonroof and a sunroof. Who knew that would be so complicated? After several sites, I finally found this satisfactory explanation:

“Sunroof” is the generic term used to describe an operable panel in a vehicle roof which can let in light and/or air. “Moonroof” is a term created by Ford in the 70s, yet is now used generically to describe glass panel inbuilt electric sunroofs.
Hmmm, so all moonroofs are sunroofs, yet not all sunroofs are moonroofs? We found further clarification — “sunroof” is the term originally used to describe a metal panel that would only allow light or air in when opened. A “moonroof,” on the other hand, is a glass panel that can allow light in even when it is closed (provided, of course, you slide back that nifty fabric-covered panel to expose the glass).

True sunroofs, those made just of metal, appear to have gone the way of 8-tracks in automobiles, and these days, most “sunroofs” are really “moonroofs” — panels of tempered glass, usually tinted, that tilt up to allow a flow of air, or slide back into the roof entirely, giving the car occupants a brief but tantalizing glimpse of life in a convertible.

Now if I could just find a car under $10,000.

Movin’ On Up

Pluses of staying with the sister:

Hot, glorious showers
Major motivation to get a job

Minuses:

Frequently crying baby

Note: I Will Not Be Swayed By “Cute” Children

Here’s the thing: I know that the advertising industry likes to coerce the consumer with things such as sexy women, cuddly puppies, and adorable rugrats. I’m aware, and I get it. But please, if you want me to swoon over some precious little cherub, can we at least make sure that they’re actually cute, and not, well, creepy? I have several examples of this phenomena lodged in the recesses of my brain, and of course am unable to bring any of them to the forefront, so I’ll give you this as specimen.

Advertisers and casting agents, please take note of the following items when looking for your next child star. These are scary traits often displayed by the little whippersnappers you cast to peddle your wares, and I do not approve:

1. Dental issues. Young children seem to have one of two problems: tiny, malnourished, unnatural looking teeth, or large, gawky, don’t fit in the mouth teeth.
2. Speech impediments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not poking fun at real speech issues here, but why is it cute when a kid doesn’t enunciate properly? Why encourage this?
3. I’m bigger than my britches attitude, aka precociousness. I am not impressed by a five year old acting like they know better than me, an adult. In fact, it kinda makes me want to smack hug them.
4. Tousled hair (boys), pigtails (girls). I’m over it.
5. Vocabulary. Don’t give a kid lines that would never ever naturally come out of their mouth. It’s stupid and transparent, and only adds to the irritation as evidenced in points 2 and 3.

Because really, show me a kid who’s actually adorable, age-appropriate, and respectful to their parents, and maybe I’ll buy your god damned peanut butter or whatnot. Until then, I’m not listening.

Also, if anyone else out there can find the other kids that bug me, I’d be eternally grateful. It’s driving me crazy and I’m at a loss. All I can give you for clues are 1) I’m thinking of 2 boys and 2) they were in commercials within the last 5-7 years. There may even be a prize in it for you.

You Scare Me, and I Like It.

Javier Bardem: So chilling as Anton Chigur. The oh-so-wrong hair, the vacant, glazed over eyes, the brute force of his nature. And, while of course I realize that Javier and Anton are not the same person, it still struck me when I saw him on the SAG Awards that he seems like such a fun, easy-going, jovial kind of guy. Curious. Now I want to see everything that he has ever been in. Over and over and over again.

Javier Bardem is Scary Sexy.

Lazy Survey Day

It’s true: Aaron and I have been a little preoccupied over the last couple of days, and I apologize for keeping him away from his legion of blogettes. I would totally blow off posting today and go watch Lost like I want to, but somehow I think I’d feel guilty. (Side note: I am just starting to watch Lost… last night I watched something like 6 episodes of season 1 in a row and was up until 4 am. I’m sucked in.) In any case, hooray for Sadie and Leo for giving me something easy and at least semi-fun to post before I go get my fix.

1. Are you taller than your best friend?
Yes, by about 2 inches.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
I am an office supply junkie, thus there are many good and bad traits involved in picking the perfect pen.

3. Look at your planner for March 8th, what are you doing?
Really? I don’t know what I’m doing on Monday.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
Bare.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
It’s been a while, but I’m a color-coder at heart.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
I don’t have a bedroom. Aaron’s are white.

7. What color are the seats in your vehicle?
I don’t have a vehicle. I’m a loser.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
No, but I had a grey and white cat named Oscar.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
I was just thinking I need stamps to mail a Valentine’s card to my mom.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
I did, but I haven’t talked to him in years.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
At the airport, just cause I needed traveling cash.

13. Can you spell well?
Y-E-S.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Ick, no.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
Toyota Corolla

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators:
Really?

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
If I ever have to go to Six Flags, I may kill myself.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
I don’t have a house.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
Post-it note.

20. Last person you gave a business card?
Lisa at staffing firm.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
DMV maybe?

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Hitchcock/Truffaut

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
A few days ago. Frozen pizza counts.

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
10-ish.

26. Last time you received flowers?
No idea. Probably a few years ago.

28. Do you play air guitar?
Only when I’m making fun of Celine Dion.

29. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
Yes, several.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
All depends on the day.

31. Do you own any Willow Tree figurines?
I don’t know what those are, but no, I wouldn’t anyway. I don’t do knick knacks.

32. What is/was your high school’s mascot?
Panther. Woo. Although I spraypainted a camel over it on the school rock at 2 am.

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
My best friend, Jamie.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
No idea.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I already play the drums, kinda. I just need a drum set.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
I don’t have a living room.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
Employment section.

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
Ugh?

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
The place in Dover… what was it called?

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
No.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Probably my last expense report before I quit my job.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
I don’t remember, or maybe I’m trying to block it out.

44. Are you ticklish?
Sometimes.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
Don’t know.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Probably about a year and a half ago. Although, I am going to have Dunkin’ Donuts this week, at some point.

47. Last person that im’d you, and you actually responded?
Aaron.

49. Do you have a black dog?
No.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Aunt to Augustus.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
I refuse to respond.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Probably last week.

54. What is the last song you belted out in the car?
Rag & Bone - White Stripes

55. Do you have a little black dress?
Are you kidding? I probably have 10.

Thank You, But No.

The whole finding a job thing is taxing enough without having to deal with the plethora of idiots in the world. I’m diligent about it - I spend at least an hour every weekday looking for a job. On a good day, where I find several options, I may spend nearly half the day working on the application processes, what with writing custom cover letters and filling out company specific web forms. I make an effort, and I know that I’m being judged, critically, on what I send.

So why, oh why, do I have to keep dealing with the freaks of the world? Is my resume so wretched that the only calls I get are from desperate souls?

Case in Point 1: Staffing Firm. Phone interview: woman has very few details on the job she is trying to sell me, but enough that I agree to meet with her. During interview, she clearly could care less and mispronounces autonomous (auto-NO-mus), which of course was pretty much when I stopped listening. Also: somewhat curt. Calls me today with a request for me to “follow up” on something which was never addressed as requiring follow up (I know this because I remember the discussion point quite distinctly), then hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. Rude.

Case in Point 2: Apply for non-profit job. Man emails me back with nothing more than a line saying, “Call me Monday”. No reference to said job, no further detail or explanation. I find it unprofessional and choose to delete said email after re-reading the job description, which I wasn’t that thrilled with anyway. Days later, receive second email stating, “Received your application. Call me Friday morning.” It’s Thursday night. The job is Communications Director. My guess, based on these emails, it’s more like tutor/babysitter for the Executive Director.

Case in Point 3: Art gig. Multiple phone calls and emails back and forth, saying the exact same thing every time. Any such thing as forward progress? You called me, remember?

Maybe I’m being too picky, but I feel like if my resume is going to be combed over and every nuance of my communications with potential employers examined, aren’t I allowed to be equally as discerning?

Whatever, I’m done. Happy weekend, cats.

Love to Hear the Percussion

The tambourine man from I’m From Barcelona got me to thinking about my past rock star days. At 16, I was in a band with my then-boyfriend. He was actually pretty talented; I was mostly just along for the ride. But we did work pretty hard, and actually got some tapes (yes, tapes) released on an indie label in Minneapolis. We even played a show at The Red Sea Bar in Minneapolis - I played drums and was offered a beer at the end of our set. I declined. I still have some of the tapes, and they give me a chuckle. I don’t know what anyone else would think of them, and of course I can’t judge. I’m sure they suck.

But, there was also the time that we played with a couple of other friends at our high school talent show. I don’t remember there being any prizes - I think it was just a showcase. Of course, we brought down the house. In this case, I just played the tambourine, the only girl on a stage of rock star wannabe teenage boys. The song was a intentionally silly riff about Animal Crackers.

I don’t remember all of the lyrics, but I do remember, that, before the crowd-rousing ending, the song suddenly got quiet, and I stepped up to the mic. We had injected a little spoken word bit into the song, a la Elvis or Tom Jones. And this, this I remember every word of.

“A girl sits waiting at the table
she’ll eat her crackers when she’s able
she looks at the and reads the label
life without them seems a fable

Life without them is a dream
and quite a bad one, it would seem
she looks at them, and then she dreams
thinks about it, then she screams:

Animal crackers in my hand
Animal crackers across the land
Animal crackers in my hair
Animal crackers everywhere!”

Why, to this day, I would have that stored in my brain, I cannot explain. Also of note: this is the only of my rock star performances that is recorded for posterity on VHS. Although, I haven’t seen it since that year, as I have nothing to play it on. One of these days I will track down a VCR and be horrified by it. Until then, maybe I should think about reinvesting in a drum set.